Real Man Self Assessment

This is the first step to improving myself. Without a clear vision of myself I can't hope to correct what needs correcting. While writing this list I have become aware that this project is one that I have really been engaging in for at least the past 15 years already! It has been slow work at times, but I have made an amazing amount of progress already. Hopefully with your help I can really start to accelerate my improvement!

A Real Man is calm, collected and confident:- I feel like this is one of my strengths... probably why I listed it first. My normal demeanour is pretty laid back, almost to a fault, and I'm not easily rattled. Having said that there are some areas that I could improve on in this respect. I am generally comfortable meeting new people, but larger groups of strangers make me nervous, and sometimes I allow this to stop me from meeting new people...

A Real Man is a leader:- I feel like I do ok in this area. It is something that I've been working on for some time now. Once upon a time I wasn't willing to take the lead, to make suggestions, or to put ideas out there. Now I'm much more comfortable doing this. I still have moments of apathy but on the whole if the situation calls for a leader then I am willing to step into that role and make a decision...

A Real Man has high self esteem:- This is another area that I have been improving on for a long time. Years ago I felt that I wasn't likeable. I thought I was ugly and that no-one would ever love me... Thank goodness those days are gone! I now have a healthy level of self respect. I am confident that I can handle most situations that life throws at me!

A Real Man takes action:- I think that this is a real weakness for me. I have a real tendency to let things slide if I can get away with it. My motto used to be “Why put off for tomorrow what I can put off until the day after that?”! My general laziness is something that I am going to have to work on. I am also guilty sometimes of collecting knowledge without acting on it. Paralysis by analysis I thik it is called...

A Real Man is motivated:- Motivation has been one of the missing factors from the equation of my life. I have been generally willing to drift along wherever the current takes me, not really caring too much where I end up. This has changed somewhat recently. First of all the “See the World” mission and now the “Real Man Project” mission are starting to motivate me in my life. Having said this, motivation is something that I'm still going to have to work on...

A Real Man is positive:- This is another area that I have improved immeasurably in the last 10 years. My self talk these days is almost 100 percent positive! I like to look on the bright side of life, and to see the best in things. I think one thing that I could do better in this area is to learn to communicate more positively, in such a way that leaves people feeling better...

A Real Man has integrity:- I feel like this is another of my strengths. I have always been honest to a fault. This doesn't necessarily mean that I always tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (but who does that), but it means that in important matters I don't try to mislead people for my own benefit... only if it is particularly funny. :^p

A Real Man is always learning:- This is really a foundational point. After all, improving yourself means being willing to learn from experiences. This is also another of my strengths. I have always loved learning (sometimes too much, see “A Real Man takes action” above). Sometimes I get fixated on one world view, but I think that I've always been the type to admit that I'm wrong if someone can show me that I am.

A Real Man has strong body language and posture:- Generally I think I do ok on body language, but I can tend to become closed off from time to time. Crossing my arms or legs if I'm uncomfortable. My posture is worlds better then it used to be (just ask my Mum!) but I think my head leans forward sometimes. I also feel like I sometimes walk too fast, perhaps seeming uncomfortable. This is one of those areas where it is pretty difficult to self analyse so any input from people that know me would be much appreciated...

A Real Man speaks clearly and confidently:- I feel like I have a pretty good speaking voice, however there is lots of room for improvement. I know that sometimes I can speak kind of quietly, or mumble. I would also like to increase the range of my voice, with more expressiveness. I think my voice is often far too monotone!

A Real Man is well dressed and well groomed:- I don't feel like I do too badly in this area (in spite of what Jan says!). For my current life situation I dress pretty well, and keep my personal hygiene pretty well. However, one area that I am going to lump in here is my general fitness. I could definitely do to lose some body fat. I am around 187cm tall and weigh around 97kg. This puts me square into the overweight category. I could do to lose about 10kg and keep it off through a combination of eating less and exercising more.

Finally, a Real Man has a good balance in his life between work and leisure:- Right now I'm living the dream regarding work/life balance... I am travelling the world, working when I have to, which is not very much! This will become more of a concern when I settle back down to a non-nomadic lifestyle. This has never been too much of a problem for me though...

Writing this list is an exercise in introspection, and it is always difficult to do this objectively. If you think that I have been too kind or harsh on myself then let me know. Especially if I have been too kind! I need harsh criticism at this point that can give me a solid direction to go in. Without clear knowledge of my faults I can never fix them!

All feedback is useful.

Thanks guys.

What Would You Have done?

Thursday 22nd July, 2010. I sat in my tent. Wide awake at 3am, feelings of guilt and remorse speeding through my head... The only thing I could think was "What would a Real Man have done?"...

But first... rewind a bit to half an hour earlier. I had no idea what was about to happen. In fact all that I knew was that it was the middle of the night and I was bursting for the toilet...

I knew that I'd have to do something about it, I checked my phone... 2.30 am... no way I was going to last through to the morning. Rousing myself to a half somnbulant state I threw a shirt over my head figuring no-one would be about, and my boxers would be fine... I undid the zip of my tent and climbed out, looked around... As expected there was no-one about, the sky was clear but the weather was unusually warm for the time of year. If necessary the half moon would have been sufficient to light my way, but I was in a caravan park and there were lights scattered around the place, pools of colour in the monochrome setting of the night...

I slipped on my sandals and walked quickly to the toilet block. The urgency of my bladder was building now and I reached the urinal and made use of it, feeling the full relief that accompanies the act of pissing. I was just going to finish up and head back to my bed when I heard a strange hoarse breathing sound. It was coming from somewhere near the back entrance of the toilet. At first I didn't think anything of it, and was on my way back to my bed, when the thought popped out of my sleepy head that I should maybe investigate and see where the noise was coming from...

As I wandered round the corner of the block it took me a while to figure out what I was seeing. In a pool of light there was an old guy, half sat up, with blood on the floor around him...

My first reaction was shock... I ducked behind the corner of the building again! It seems a strange reaction to me now... Wouldn't the first instinct of anyone in that situation be to rush forwards and help the old guy?

Maybe part of the reason was my old first aid training courses... they always gave the advice that the first decision on finding someone in that situation would be whether to walk away or not... The reasoning being that if you tried to help someone and they died, or recieved injuries as a result, then you were opening yourself up to being sued by that person or their relatives... A sad inditement of our society when a good samaritan can be sued for not being good enough!

Enough with the excuses though... I was only in this state of shock for a couple of seconds before rounding the corner again and walking up to this fella. He was clearly alive... it was his heavy breathing that alerted me to his state, but the closer I got I could tell that he was in a pretty bad way. He had half clotted blood dripping down the side of his face and over his arms and hands, and he stunk pretty badly of booze of some kind, as well as a general smell of body odor and decay... I called out to him "Are you OK?"... A pretty silly question on reflection, and fittingly he kinda laughed and said "Oh, yea" in an almost sarcastic tone.

I crouched down next to him, the smell of booze almost overpowering at this point and tried to find out what state he was in, asking him a few questions which he answered reasonably well enough, if with a bit of a slur to his speech. I decided to help him to his feet, reaching under his arm-pits, asking if he was ready, and hauling him up into standing position. I asked him a few more questions; Where was he staying? How was he feeling? Did he want to get cleaned up a bit? He told me he was going in a particular direction for a few drinks and he didn't need to get cleaned up at all... I wasn't sure about the drinks, but decided to help him to get where he was going, figuring that he was going back to his caravan. He led me off with me lending him my support when he occasionally staggered.

We soon arrived at a caravan that was about 15 meters away. He started trying to open the door of it, and I realised that he was having some difficulty, but a light had come on inside the caravan, which I hoped was someone that he was staying with that could help him out. I asked him at this point "So, is this your caravan" to which he replied that he was just coming here to have a few drinks with a friend... More drinks were the last thing that this guy needed at this point, and it seemed highly unlikely that the occupants of the caravan wanted to have any drinks either, which was confirmed when a guy opened the door and told the old man to "bugger off you old bastard!"...

He then closed the door on us again... So here I am, dressed in a shirt and my boxers, with an old guy who was clearly pissed and injured... I really had no idea what to do at this point... I tried asking the guy again "Where is YOUR van?" to which he replied that he was fine, that he was just going to have a few drinks, and that I was a fine young lad for helping him out and thank you very much... At this point he was shaking my hand and It is at this point that I let my uncertainty and indecisiveness get the better of me...

I just agreed with him, "No problem" I said. "I'll just be getting to bed then" I said. And I walked back in the direction of my tent. I stopped off at the toilet to wash the blood off my hands and arm where he had grabbed hold of me and made my way back to my tent and got inside...

Now this is where this little story started, but it isn't the end... My head was reeling at this point. Should I have done more to help this guy? He was clearly in no state to look after himself, but on the other hand if he wouldn't tell me where he was staying then what could I do for him? Should I have phoned the police? An ambulance? The caravan park owner? I hoped that the guy would make his own way back to his place, but a part of me knew that this seemed unlikely. Should I have put on my shorts and gone back out to find him? Made sure he got back? Or failing that called the emergency services?

To my great shame I have to admit that I did nothing at that point... Even asking myself "What would a Real Man do?" didn't help as my brain refused to process the question... Eventually I just took off my shirt and lay down under my duvet and hid... Some Real Man!

As I was trying in vain to get to sleep I heard footsteps coming past my tent to the caravan park office that is only a few meters from my camp spot. I heard the phone ringing, that I knew was connected to a handset that the caravan park owner had with her at all times. As the footsteps headed past my tent again I heard a woman on them explaining "... he was totally pissed, just crashed into our van..."

I guessed from this that the guy had managed to make it to someone elses caravan and either made some noise outside, or opened it and wandered in and the owners had taken more action then me and decided to call the caravan park owner. There was various activity after this. Cars driving around, stopping and starting. At one point I heard the caravan park owners voice shouting "No Pat! Just sit down! Sit down!"...

Then another car arrived, and all of the cars drove off and there was silence...

The whole time this was happening I was feeling guilty that I had caused these other people to be disturbed in the middle of the night... ut my overwhelming sense was one of relief. First that the guy was ok. That someone else was dealing with him. And secondly that it was no longer my problem...

The reason that I tell you all this is to show that for all my fine qualities I still have a lot of growth to go in some areas. I was going to give you a breakdown this week of my strengths and weaknesses, take every aspect of being a Real Man given in th last post and given you how I fit into it... But I figured that this story gives you a much better idea of some of my weaknesses (and maybe strengths) then any breakdown that I could give you... (Breakdown t come next week ;^)

For some reason the resolution didn't help me to get to sleep that night. I slept fitfully at best. The question going round and round in my head... What would a Real Man have done...

Well? What would YOU have done?

The Real Man Project - Genesis...

I've been hearing a lot about “Real Men” recently.

“I want a Real Man” and “Where have all the Real Men gone?” are phrases that most women seem to have said at some point. Women seem to know exactly what this means, even though they often have trouble articulating clearly exactly what the image is that is evoked in them by these two words...

Most men on the other hand don't have any clear idea what women mean when they say these things! The words “Real Man” mean as much to most men as the offside rule in soccer means to most women!

I have put a bit of thought into figuring out what women are getting at when they say these words, and here is my list of what a “Real Man” is...

What makes a Real Man is split up into two sections. The inside stuff and the outside stuff. First the inside...

A Real Man is calm, collected and confident. He is comfortable in his own skin, whether he is spending time alone, hanging with his friends, or meeting new people. In fact there isn't a situation that you can put him in that will make him uncomfortable. This isn't to say that he doesn't get nervous or scared, but he doesn't let the fear effect him, and acts in the face of it.

A Real Man is a leader. He is decisive. When it is time to make a decision, or take charge, he is willing to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done. He doesn't worry about making the wrong choice, or agonise for hours over which of two choices he prefers, when the time comes, he makes a choice and sticks with it. And if it turns out to have been the wrong choice he holds up his hands, takes responsibility and sets about making things right.

A Real Man has high self esteem. He respects himself and others. He is confident without being arrogant, and rightly so, because he knows that whatever situation is thrown at him he will handle it as best as he can, and even if he doesn't handle it perfectly he knows that he will have learned a lesson and the next time he handles the same situation he will handle it even better.

A Real Man takes action. If he sees something that needs doing he does it. If someone needs help and he has time and energy to give he will help them. He knows that the only true path to learning is through doing and doesn't sit around gathering knowledge and trying to be perfect before he tries to do anything.

A Real Man is motivated. He has a mission in life. He knows what he wants, where he is going and what to do to achieve these goals. He sets up smaller goals along the way, and congratulates himself every time he achieves one of these smaller goals on the way to the greater goal.

A Real Man is positive. He knows that people create their own reality and so he makes his reality a positive one to live in. He doesn't bring himself down with negative self talk. He may sometimes have days, when life throws him a curve ball, when he isn't on top of the world but when this happens he doesn't wallow in his self pity and he doesn't cling to his grief. He allows himself to feel it, allows it to wash through him, and then allows himself to get on with his life.

A Real Man has integrity. He is true to himself and he doesn't lie to others for his own benefit. He realises that telling the truth is the easiest option in all circumstances and he doesn't mind facing the consequences of doing this.

A Real Man is always learning. He recognises that life is a lesson for us, that all experiences, good and bad, are learning lessons. He knows that he is always changing, and strives to make the change a positive one all the time.

On the outside...

A Real Man has strong body language and posture. He carries himself all the time as if he has just won a gold medal in the Olympics and his national anthem is playing. He has a steady gaze, and is confidently expressive.

A Real Man speaks clearly and confidently. His voice carries as far as is needed without him having to shout. It is clear from his voice that he is in control. His voice comes from deep in his body and is rich and expressive.

A Real Man is well dressed and well groomed. He recognises that his personal appearance is the first impression that he gives to the world, and knows that this is very important. This doesn't mean that he is necessarily the height of fashion, but he pays attention to his clothes and takes care of them. Similarly he takes care of himself. His personal hygiene is impeccable and he makes sure that his nails are tidy and his hair is well styled.

Finally, a Real Man has a good balance in his life between work and leisure. He fills his life with activities and would never be content to live a life of routine. He may watch TV from time to time, but he chooses what he watches, and when the thing that he wants to watch is over, he will turn off the TV and do something else...

These are just a few of my thoughts of what constitutes a real man. I'd be very interested in your feedback. What have I missed? What have I gotten right or wrong? If you know me, how could I live up to this ideal better?

My mission in life is to move closer and closer to the ideal above, and maybe even to help others to get to this place, all with the intention of making the world a better place.