A Terrible Confession...

I have a confession to make... I can't hold it in any longer.... I feel like I have been deceiving you all and I just can't do it any more...

You see... the truth of the matter is that I just wasn't scared when I jumped off the bridge... It was nowhere near the scariest thing I have ever done in my life...

Phew! I feel much better getting that off my chest...

Don't get me wrong. Normally I have a healthy respect for heights, and the thought of throwing myself from a small platform in a suicide-like manner isn't a nice one for me...

There were two aspects to not being scared. The first was mental preparation... For a couple of nights before the bungee jump I rehearsed it mentally. I saw myself going through the whole process. Standing on the ledge, looking out into space, and then flinging myself forwards in a good looking swan dive... This helped a lot! The one thing I forgot to prepare was for the bit immediately before the dive, when I was having my legs strapped to the elastic... You may notice my body language is a bit tense there... a bit of my nervous tension showing through...

The second aspect of fear reduction was a little mental trick I read somewhere... I( can't remember what it was called i the book, but I'm just going to call it re-labelling... The trick is to take the sensation that is happening in your body and to just reframe it as something else. So, instead of fear I called it excitement, and magically it changed it from something debilitating, to something enlightening! I wasn't frightened... I was excited!

Like I said... That wasn't the scariest thing I have ever done.... I'd have to say that the scariest thing that I have ever done was to walk up to a woman in a bar and to try to talk to her...


I still remember the first time that I tried to do this... It was not that long ago! And it was terrifying...

I guess the reason that I find women more scary then jumping from bridges, or roller coasters, is that I know exactly what is going to happen in the latter instances. I have faith in elastic, and metal and wood. I know what it will do... I also think that women have no idea how scary they can be...

Women on the other hand are erratic, unpredictable, irrational, and generally terrifying. Plus rejection really hurts! I have some particular memories from my youth, which arise whenever I think about even trying it! It is something that I think I will have to overcome, perhaps making meeting women exciting instead of terrifying will work (though not too exciting maybe...)

Certainly this is something to work on for the future...

A new project...

Goals in life are important. They give you direction and purpose. Be they big or small, having something to aim towards makes existence worthwhile...

For me personally my goal for the last few years has been simple. See the world, have a good time, enjoy myself...

This time is, however, coming to an end... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now or, perhaps more accurately, I can see the train approaching on the line!

I have always known that the day would come when I would have to hang up my back-pack and "get on with life". This means that I need new goals...

I was going to travel to South America after my time in Australia and travel around there for a while. However, a series of unexpected expenses, combined with some of the worst weather in Australia for a decade ruining the crops and farm work, have led to an inescapable conclusion. This being that I won't have the funds to fly to South America, travel around for a few months, and then fly back to the UK. My backup plan is to fly to South East Asia, spend a month or so enjoying myself there, and then flying back to the UK.

So... My new goals... I still really want to visit South America. Preferably fairly soon, so I need the means to do that. To this end I read a book recently called "The 4 hour Work Week". It is a guide to how to streamline your life and business, and make both location independent. In simple terms this means that you can live your life with minimum interference from work, and the little work that you do have to do can be done from anywhere in the world... (If you want more information on this book, which I strongly recommend reading, visit www.fourhourworkweek.com).

So my goal for the next year is to automate my life.  I want to have an income of around £2000 a month (or £500 a week), that is essentially self sustaining. The real goal at the end of this is to visit South America next year, and to not have to stop my income stream to do so. I have a few ideas for projects in the pipeline, which I'm not going to discuss on a public forum such as this, but if you want to discuss ideas with me then feel free to get in touch on facebook...


It is good to have plans... It is even better to have big plans!

Stickwithitability... Motivation and perseverence...

My regular readers (all 2 of you ;) may have noticed that I haven't posted anything to this blog for some time. There is a reason for this...

It isn't because of some kind of family emergency that took up all of my emotional reserves, leaving me with nothing in the tank to write a blog with...

It also isn't because I have been working 12 hour days at work, leaving me physically drained, and just allowing me enough energy to prepare myself basic meals and sleep between shifts...

The reason is more fundamental then that...


The reason that I haven't posted in a while is that part of my personality is that I find it difficult to stick with projects to their completion. Now... don't get me wrong. If I have a project at work, or while studying, I had no problem sticking with it and doing a superb job.

The problem comes when I want to do something for myself, and have to motivate myself to do it, this is when I tend to slip... I suspect I'm not alone in this...

The number of diets failing after the first month, the number of gym memberships with no gym attendance, and the number of new years resolutions that end up failing by the end of the year speak for themselves...

Just because other people have a similar failing is no excuse for not trying to make the change for myself however. As an aspiring "Real Man" I think that I should have the ability to stick with personal projects (particularly the project to become a "Real Man").

For me the problem normally comes when something in my life changes.

A good example of this is gym attendance. When I could get my life into something of a routine I could regularly attend a gym and make significant progress towards improving my overall health, and outward appearance. However if I had some kind of minor illness, enough to make me unable to attend the gym for a week, I almost always just failed to return to the gym after the illness had passed. This would lead to a few months of absence, before re-making the decision to return to the gym and starting my fitness training all over again...

The blogging issue was similar. I was settled into a fairly predictable existence of working on a farm during the week, and having weekends off. This is the time that I used to write my blogs. When I left the little farming community, and set off into the wider world, I had more leisure time. Technically this should have meant that I would have more time for writing. But without the work to contrast it against I never found the time to sit down and write. It was also easy to just say "I'll just do it tomorrow"...

I don't think it is any coincidence that this post comes after I have started working again...

So... what is the answer to this problem? Part of the solution has to be in self motivation. I have read some books recently that deal with this issue, and the main difference between most people and those that do exceptionally well in life is the motivation of the individuals concerned.

Here are a few tips on motivating yourself. The first thing to know about motivation is that there are 2 main types of motivation. These types are attractive motivation, and repulsive motivation. Attractive motivation is a motivation towards something, it could be money, status, beauty or anything else that could be desirable. Repulsive motivation is motivation away from things. People can be motivated away from being poor, being weak, being surrounded by ugly things, or anything else that could be undesirable.

Most people primarily use one or the other type of motivation, and either type can lead to success. A lot of people see attractive motivation as being superior. However many of the richest and most successful people in the world come from poor backgrounds, and their motivation is repulsive, ie, they want to get away from their poor backgrounds. The main problem with repulsive motivation is that it only takes you away from things, so you could still end up somewhere that you don't want to be, whereas attractive motivation takes you to the place that you want to be.

The most powerful way to use motivation is to use both types in conjunction with each other. And the best way to do that is to use visualisations. The first thing to do is to figure out exactly what it is that you want, and what you want to move away from.

So... lets take a common example. The gym... You would take a piece of paper and write down what you are hoping to achieve by going to the gym. This would be things like being more healthy, getting in shape or possibly running a marathon. Be as specific as possible when writing this. ie. I want to weigh 80kg and be able to bench press 100kg. After this you would write down all of the things that you could be motivated away from. This would be being overweight (or underweight), being unhealthy or being weak.

Once you have these lists worked out you can create mental images of what they represent. You could even have real pictures of these things. The away from motivation could be a picture of you at your unhealthiest, and the towards motivation would be a picture of someone with the body shape that you desire. It is important that you pick a picture of someone with a similar bone structure to you, otherwise you could be stuck forever trying to achieve an impossible figure.

Once you have these images then just take some time to commit them both to memory. When you are doing this you have to make sure the mind knows what it is working towards and away from. So just keep the powerful thought in your mind "I am moving towards this" while thinking of the attractive image, and "I am moving away from this" while thinking of the negative image. Just spend a few minutes a day for a few days doing this and you will find that the images will come to mind by themselves after a while. The meditation that I taught you in this post will help you to concentrate on the images single mindedly for long enough to be effective. The more you do these exercises the more powerful the motivation created.

Once you have done this you can keep your towards and away from lists, and display them somewhere prominent, where you will see them every day, and every time you see them it will nudge your brain to remember the motivation.

I have given the example here of going to the gym, but the same technique will work for anything that you can need motivation to do. Giving up smoking, setting up a business, getting a new job, achieving a lifestyle... anything!

So that is motivation dealt with. But what should you do if something trips you up, breaks your routine of achievement and stops you in your tracks? For example if you break your leg it might make it difficult to go to the gym no matter how motivated you are.

The important thing in this case is to not give up. It is easy when a routine is broken to slide back to how you used to be. The important thing is to get back on track as soon as you can. For example the most common reason that people start smoking again is because they just have one cigarette, socially, or in a time of particularly high stress, and then they forget that they quit and just slide back into the habit of smoking again.

If you remember what you were striving towards (the motivation exercise above should help with this) then as soon as the disruption is gone it should be possible to get back into the routine of doing whatever it is you need to do.

So... here I am... Taking my own advice. Just getting back into the posting habit. I'm going to motivate myself more, and pick up where I left off... And also, another important part of motivation is peer pressure. It can be used for good! Make sure your friends know what you want to do, and when they tell you that you aren't doing it try to listen to them!

So all you out there (those 2 of you ;). If I slip again make sure and tell me!

Thanks in advance...

Jumping off a Bridge

Does a real man have to jump off a bridge? I'd say not... However I would recommend it...

I'm not sure if I mentioned (that is a lie), but I have changed a lot in the past few years... Once upon a time, if I found something scary, or just didn't want to face up to it, I would avoid doing it. It wouldn't matter what anyone said, or who tried to persuade me, I would just flat refuse to do it... I've always been pretty much immune to peer pressure in this regard.

I think part of the reason was a particularly traumatic experience in my childhood (I may tell you more about it in a future post...), which I learned to cope with by withdrawing from the threat and hiding. This became something of a pattern through my teenage years. If I was scared or challenged by something my default reaction was to shrink from the challenge and pretend I didn't want to do it in the first place...

A couple of examples spring to mind. Both of which happened at school... One of these was on an annual sponsorship day... The school would organise these to raise money for various charities. All of the pupils would take place in various events and get sponsored by everyone that they could drag money out of. In this particular year I decided that I would abseil off the school building (along with a bunch of other people)... and I bottled out... I just got to the top of the roof, and watched the girl in front of me go down. She fell on her ass half way down, and I think this affected me more then it did her. When it came to be my turn I got into the harness, connected up all of the ropes, got to the edge of the building and looked over the edge... I think my foot slipped at this point and I made a sudden, and irreversable decision that there wasn't a chance that I was going off the edge of the school... I let my fear win...

The second event of this type was similar in many ways. But I didn't even let myself get to the edge. It was on the PGL adventure holiday with school in the south of France. There were maybe 40 of us canoing down the Ardeche (this could be spelled wrong) River, and we came to a place where there was a high rock that could be jumped off, into the river, with no real risk of injury. The rock was only about 10 meters high, so people started jumping off it. First of all the "hard" kids... then the ones with something to prove, then the girls, and some of the teachers... In the end EVERYONE except for me jumped off this rock... I made a decision as soon as I saw it that I wasn't going to jump off it... and I stuck with that decision... You may say it takes some moral character to stck to a decision like that in the face of everyone else telling me that I should do it... whatever you say, I didn't do the jump, and so mssed out on an unrepeatable experience...

As you can imagine... my inability to face my fears made approaching women impossible, and at least partly contributed to my having zero girlfriends for the first quarter century of my life...

Fast forwards to today... I made a decision in the past few years that I would say "YES" to the universe... That means accepting... even embracing... new experiences that come my way... And one of these experiences was bungee jumping! It is pretty much the ultimate experience in terms of facing up to any fear of heights, and the fact that you have to make the jump yourself made it the perfect test of my ability to say "YES"!

Luckily I passed with flying colours! The jump was 47m high, over a beautiful blue river. I didn't hesitate, just waited for the fella that tied my legs to the piece of elastic to say "1, 2, 3, GO!" and then launched myself into empty space... The feeling was exhilerating... A similar feeling that you get in your stomach when the roller coaster just start its plummet, but with nothing restricting you... You aren't even aware of the rope round your legs when you first jump, because it is all falling at the same speed as you!




I know you all want to see it... so here is the video...





Would I do it again? Definately! But hopefully someone else will pay next time! I think the next thing that I want to do to challenge myself is jumping out of a plane... In the meantime though... I'll just have to see what pops up...

The courtship dance...

A wise man once said "There are two things you need to know in life, where you're going, and who you're going with."

I'll leave the first part of that for another time, and just concentrate on the second part now. I think it is a very important part of any mans life to find someone to share it with. It is said that behind every great man there is a great woman... and real men are no exception to this.

So, how to find this great woman?

The answer is courtship! There are many pre-requisites to a successful courtship of course. These include sorting out your image (hair, clothes, shoes, nails, etc.), having a life that allows you to meet lots of women, and knowing what kind of woman that you want... For now though I'm going to assume you've got all of this sorted, but you're still not quite sure how the courtship game works...

I think many women have no idea that many guys don't know instinctively how to progress smoothly from meeting, to building attraction, to becoming physical through to founding a relationship. Women after all are the pursued most of the time. And there are always plenty of guys that did figure this out to distract the women from the guys that didn't.

In case you're wondering, I was one of the guys that didn't get it for at least the first twenty five years of my life!

Enough about me! On to how to meet women!

First of all, do I need to say it? You need to be in places where you can meet the opposite sex! This means not sat inside your house playing playstation and watching tv all day! Almost anywhere else offers opportunities for meeting the opposite sex.

An interesting fellow called Dr Timothy Perper got his Phd by spending hours and hours in singles bars and observing how the successful couples met, tough job huh? He found that when both partners stuck to a precise sequence of moves, the couple wound up leaving together or making a date. However, if either partner broke the sequence... even accidentally... the couple drifted apart. Powerful stuff!

The steps to the dance of intimacy are as follows

Step One: Non-verbal Signal.
Step Two: Talk.
Step Three: Turning.
Step Four: Touching.
Step Five: Synchronisation.

First of all the non-verbal signal. It is very scary to approach a woman for the first time (something else many women have difficulty believing). However there are some things you can do to make it easier. First of all, you should learn to recognise non-verbal solicitation signals. This is a fancy way of saying invitations to approach.

A researcher called Monica Moore set up a study where she observed more then 200 women at a party and found that two thirds of successful approaches were preceded by the following signals of interest by the women

Smile at him broadly                                                    511
Throw him a short, darting glance                              253
Dance alone to the music                                             253
Look straight at him and flip your hair                       139
Keep a fixed gaze on him                                             117
Look at him, toss your head, then look back              102
"Accidentally" brush up against him                             96
Nod your head at him                                                    66
Point to a chair and invite him to sit                             62
Tilt your head and touch your exposed neck                58
Lick your lips during eye contact                                  48
Primp while keeping eye contact with him                    46
Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement   41
Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement   41
Ask for his help with something                                     34
Tap something to get his attention                                   8
Pat his buttocks                                                                8

So make sure to look out for these signs and if you receive one to go and talk to the woman (if she pats your buttocks and you DON'T talk to her then there may be no help for you!)! If you don't this can be perceived as a rejection by the girl... and you wouldn't want to make a girl feel bad now would you? ;)

On to step two: Talk! Once you are in a conversation there are a couple of things to remember. The first is in terms of the things you say. I'm going to give you the same piece of advice that people get all the time, but maybe I can explain it a bit better... Just be yourself! Be the self that you are around your friends. Be relaxed, be playful, be fun. Remember, there is nothing at stake here. You can't lose anything. You're just out to have a good time and enjoy yourself. The enemy of attraction is approval seeking. This is very subtle but here is a way to spot it. If you make a joke, DON'T look at her to see how she reacts. In fact if you do anything don't look at her to see how she reacts... You should just be doing your thing, for yourself.
The second thing to remember is in terms of communication. You may say "But wasn't the first thing about communication?". It was... but only a small part of it. Only 7% of the information you pass on is communicated through the words! the remaining 93% is communicated through body language and voice tone. I touched on it above in the bit about attention seeking. It isn't what you're saying, it is what you are doing! So remember, upright posture, relaxed, playful...

Step three is the one that needs the most explaining I think. It happens unconsciously for many people I think, but for those it doesn't happen automatically with it is very difficult to get without someone telling you! When you first join this girl you are doing it as a stranger, so you don't want to face her too directly or get all up in her personal space. When you approach and start a conversation you shouldn't do it facing a girl directly. It feels too intrusive this way. The best way to do it is side on, and just turn your head towards them. Imagine yourself at a bar, with just your head turned towards them. Now when you speak she should turn her head to face you as well. If she doesn't it doesn't necessarily mean that you should give up (she may be nervous for example), but if she doesn't her head to face you after a few bits of conversation then you should probably just move on to the next one.  If she does turn toward you, then you should fall into conversation. During the conversation a crucial pivoting takes place. You should gradually switch from just your heads turned toward each other to your shoulders. If you like each other, your torsos will turn, followed by your knees. Finally, in successful meetings, your whole body should wind up facing each other. This head-to-head, belly-to-belly, knees-to-knees gradual sequence can take from minutes to hours. With each increasing turn, intimacy increases. With each turn away, intimacy decreases.

Step Four is touching. You should be comfortable with general touch. It is a normal and healthy part of interacting with people. I have talked to girls that a guy talking to them for 2 hours at a bar, and she never realised he was interested in her just because he never touched her! I'm not talking about grabbing her all over. Touches should be very subtle. Starting with a brief tap on the arm or maybe the leg if you are sat next to each other. If you are unsure how to touch her then try following her lead. If she likes you she will touch you naturally... Whenever she does this just wait a couple of minutes and then touch her back, in the same way that she touched you. This then forms a dialogue of touch, another level of conversation that communicates much more then words could... If you want more information on this I suggest you do a search for the Vin DiCarlo escalation ladder. This will give you a good idea of a progression of touch from innocent to intimate...

The final stage is synchronisation. If you get here then you're on the home straight. This is where you begin to move in synchronicity with each other. For example, you may reach for their drinks at the same time and put your glasses back on the table together. Then you could progress to subconsciously shifting weight together, swaying to the music together, turning your heads to some outside interruption together, and then simultaneously looking back at each other. Obviously you can start this process earlier on and start building the bond of being synchronous, but make sure you aren't too obvious... This could come off a bit odd if done incorrectly...

That's all I'm going to share for now. If you can get this far then you're doing pretty good. You just have to get contact info and make sure you see each other again... Enjoy...

Healthy Personal Boundaries

A lot of the qualities on the list of being a Real Man have to do with having good relationships with people, and a good relationship with yourself. For most guys that are struggling in this area, I see their problems as falling in two distinct categories.

First of all we have the nice guy doormat. He constantly tries to help people out, doing things to try to get them to like him. When this doesn't work he normally becomes angry, but because he can't show this anger it simmers beneath the surface. This self directed anger becomes very bad for his health and his life in general.

The second type of guy is the jerk abuser. He has to have his own way at all times and uses and abuses people in order to get it. If people don't do as he wants he is liable to lash out, either violently or emotionally. This guy doesn't cause ill health for himself so much as he causes it in other people...

Even though these two types of people seem very different, they both have very similar underlying problems... that is that neither of them has healthy personal boundaries...

According to Nina Brown,[Coping With Infuriating, Mean, Critical People - The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern, 2006] there are four types of personal boundary:

    * Soft - A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily manipulated.

    * Spongy - A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure what to let in and what to keep out.

    * Rigid - A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to them either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been physically, emotionally or psychologically abused. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.

    * Flexible - This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, are resistant to emotional contagion, manipulation and are difficult to exploit.

So the first type of guy has the soft type of personal boundary, and the second type of guy has the rigid type... I guess the next question is what can they do to help themselves?

First of all a little bit about what boundaries are. Psychologically boundaries are basically where a person thinks their self ends. It sounds simple, but it has deeper consequences. For a start, we can only have control over ourselves. So some people with soft or rigid boundaries are confused over the things that they can influence, or that can influence them. People with soft boundaries are liable to be unduly affected by external factors, like a scary or upsetting movie, other peoples emotions, or someone trying to tell them what to do. People with very rigid boundaries don't tend to recognise that other people have rights to make a choice, and so try to impose their will on other people... effectively treating other people as part of themselves...

So what to do to set healthy personal boundaries? The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.  A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves.  That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

If you are coming from a place of soft personal boundaries you have to first of all set some rules for yourself. Most of the time soft personal boundaries come from a place of low self esteem, so you must learn to esteem yourself. The easiest step is to go from soft personal boundaries to rigid personal boundaries. This will give your self esteem space to grow. Once you have set this up you can work on making your boundaries more flexible, making decisions on an ongoing basis of what is acceptable to you. The way to set up stronger personal boundaries from this place has 4 steps.

1.) Decide what behaviours are unacceptable from yourself or another person. Take the time to sit with a pad of paper and a pen and brainstorm what you think acceptable behaviour is. (Hint:- Trying to control peoples actions or thoughts against their will is normally unacceptable)
2.) Decide what actions you are willing to take if people violate your boundaries. Remember that you can't control other peoples actions, so they may continue to violate your boundaries even if you ask them to stop. The only thing you can control is your actions, so you have to take action to stop people violating your boundary. You basically have to give incentive for people to not violate you. This means that any punitive action should affect the other person more then it affects you... It is always an option to just walk away...
3.) If someone starts to violate your rules you have to ask them to stop. Tell them why you want them to stop, and how their actions make you feel. Don't let it ride until the anger builds up inside you and you explode with accusations. The sooner that you spot unacceptable behaviour and request for it to stop the easier it will be. You can let the person know what action you will take if they fail to accommodate your boundaries, though sometimes this isn't appropriate.

The fourth step is what will make the difference between having rigid and flexible boundaries. Anyone who has rigid boundaries must just do this step, and they will start being much healthier in their interactions.

4.) Let go of the outcome. This step is the difference between a healthy boundary ans a rigid one. If you are tied to getting your way then you will do whatever it takes to get it. This isn't having healthy boundaries, it is just being manipulative. If you ask someone to stop their behaviour, and they just won't, then you have to remember your ultimate recourse and just walk away.

This last point is very important. If we don't give ourselves the freedom to walk away even in the spite of abuse, then what we are doing is enabling abuse and making victims of ourselves!

The miracle cure...

What if I told you that one thing could reduce stress, make you look younger, fight cancer, improve fertility, help you to sleep and make you happier then you'd think that I was making it up...

However there is one thing that has all of these benefits and more!

What am I talking about? Sex of course!

Sex has many proven benefits to the body and mind. Numerous studies have been done on the subject, and while there are health risks associated with sex, the benefits are worth knowing about as well! I have brought together information from many sources to give you a comprehensive list of the health benefits of sex!

Sex can make you live longer! In a study done at Duke University, researchers followed 252 people over twenty- five years to determine the factors important in influencing life span. Sexual frequency and past and present enjoyment of sex were three of the factors studied.  For men, frequency of sex was a significant predictor of longevity. While  frequency of sex was not predictive of longevity for women, those who reported  past enjoyment of sex had greater longevity. This study suggested a positive  association between sex, pleasure, and longevity. 
In addition to this a Swedish study found increased risk of death in men who gave up sex earlier in life. The research was done on four hundred elderly men and  women. At age seventy, they were given a survey of their sexual activity and then  followed over time. Five years later, the death rates were significantly higher among the  men who ceased sexual activity at earlier ages. 
Another study by a group of researchers from Queens University in Belfast, Ireland, found that the death rate from all causes for  the least sexually active men was twice as high as that of the most active!

Sex can help to reduce stress. Serious research on sexuality began in the United States in the 1950s by Alfred Kinsey. He reported that sex reduces stress, and that people who have fulfilling  sex lives are less anxious, less violent, and less hostile. Current research bears this out, as  physical touch increases the hormone oxytocin, which boosts trust and lowers cortisol  levels, the hormone of chronic stress.  Stress has been linked to heart problems, hypertension, lack of sleep and a whole range of other health issues.

Sex can help with weight loss! It has been estimated that the act of sex burns about 200 calories, the equivalent  of running vigorously for thirty minutes. Most couples average about twenty-four  minutes for lovemaking. During orgasm, both heart rate and blood pressure typically double, all under the influence of oxytocin. Muscular contractions during sex  work the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, arms, neck, and thorax.  Being overweight is linked to increased incidences of diabetes, heart disease and early death.

Sex can make you look younger! This was a surprise to me, but it seems to be true. According to research done by  David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, making love  three times a week in a stress-free relationship can make you look ten years younger. He studied more than 3,500 men and women between the ages of 18 and 102. In his study, a panel of judges viewed the participants through a  one-way mirror and then guessed the age of each subject.  Dr. Weeks, whose findings are published in Superyoung: The Proven Way to Stay Young Forever, says this is partly because sexual activity in women helps to trigger the  production of a human growth hormone that helps them maintain their youthful looks.  Sexual activity also pumps oxygen around the body, boosting the circulation and the flow  of nutrients to the skin.

Sex can increase the amounts of healthy hormones in the body. Dr. Winnifred Cutler, a specialist in behavioural endocrinology, reported that  women who enjoy regular sex had significantly higher levels of estrogen in their blood  than women experiencing either infrequent sex or no sex at all. The benefits of estrogen  include a healthy cardiovascular system, lower bad cholesterol, higher good cholesterol,  increased bone density, and smoother skin. 
Another important hormone that is affected by sexual activity is DHEA.  Before orgasm, the level of DHEA spikes in the body to several times higher than  normal. DHEA is believed to improve brain function, balance the immune system, help  maintain and repair tissue, promote healthy skin, and possibly improve cardiovascular  health.
Testosterone is increased through regular sexual activity. Testosterone can help strengthen bones and muscles, and is also beneficial to a healthy heart and brain. The risk  for Alzheimer's disease is twice as high for people with lower testosterone levels.

Sex can help to boost your immune system! According to gynaecologist Dr. Dudley Chapman, orgasms boost infection-fighting  cells by up to 20 percent. Psychologists at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that  students who had regular sexual activity had one-third higher levels of immunoglobulin  A (IgA), an antibody that boosts the immune system and can help fight colds and flu. In  one study it was reported that women who perform oral sex on their mates are less likely  to suffer from pre-eclampsia, a condition that causes a dangerous spike in women's blood  pressure during pregnancy. This effect was amplified if the woman swallowed after! Plus, sperm carries TGF beta, a molecule that can boost the  activities of her natural killer cells, which attack the rogue cells that give rise to tumours. 
A study from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality conducted by  Dr. Ted McIlvenna looked at the sex lives of ninety thousand American adults and found  that sexually active people take fewer sick leaves and enjoy life more.

Sex can help to prevent cancer! A study conducted by Graham Giles from Australia concluded that the more often  men ejaculate between the ages of twenty and fifty, the less likely they are to develop  prostate cancer. A study published by the British Journal of Urology International  asserted that men in their twenties can reduce by one-third their chance of getting prostate  cancer by ejaculating more than five times a week.
A 1989 study found increased frequency of  sexual activity correlated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer among women who  had never had a child. The study examined fifty-one French women who were diagnosed  with breast cancer less than three months prior to the interview. They were matched with  ninety-five controls. A higher risk of breast cancer also correlated with lack of a sex  partner and rare sexual intercourse, defined as less than once a month.

Sex can improve the state of your prostate (guys only for this one ;). The prostate gland is responsible for producing some of the  secretions in semen; sometimes the prostate becomes inflamed and painful (prostatitis).  In single men who had prostatitis, over 30 percent who masturbated more frequently  reported marked or moderate improvement of their symptoms. In addition, there is a  suggestion that frequent ejaculation may help prevent chronic non-bacterial infections of  the prostate.

Sex can help you sleep. This probably isn't such a surprise to many women out there that complain of their men just falling asleep straight after sex, but for any insomniacs out there this could be handy (handy... get it?). Orgasm causes a surge in oxytocin and  endorphins that may act as a sedative. One study found that 32 percent of 1,866 U.S.  women who reported masturbating in the previous three months did so to help go to  sleep.

Sex can help to treat depression! Orgasms cause intense increased  activity in the deep limbic parts of the brain, which settle down after sex. Antidepressants  tend to calm activity in the limbic parts of the brain as well. People who engaged in  regular sexual activity experience less depression, and orgasm frequency may be one  reason why.  When a man has an orgasm, an area in the limbic system, called the  mesodiencephalic junction, is activated. Cells in the region are known to produce some pleasurable hormones including dopamine and endorphins. At the same time, researchers have shown that  the amygdala, a fear centre in the brain, becomes less active in men's brains during sex.
Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at the State University of New York Albany, headed a study that found women whose male partners did not use condoms were less  subject to depression than those whose partners did. One theory put forth was that  prostaglandin, a hormone found in semen, may be absorbed in the female genital tract,  thus modulating female hormones.
Other research has indicated that high sexual activity is associated with lower risk  and incidence of depression and suicide. A Canadian study that examined the correlation  between sexuality and mental health found that celibacy was correlated with high scores  on depression and suicidality indexes.

Sex can even make you happier! After evaluating the levels of sexual activity and happiness in sixteen  thousand people, Dartmouth College economist David Blanchflower and Andrew Oswald  of the University of Warwick in England found that sex so positively influenced  happiness that they estimated increasing sex from once a month to once a week is  equivalent to the happiness generated by getting an additional $50,000 in income for the  average American.

As you can see, sex has a myriad of different effects on the body. Below is a summary of the health benefits of regular sex.

Health Benefits of regular sex
Better memories
Reduced stress
Increased youth-promoting hormone DHEA
Weight control--sex burns about 200 calories per half hour; yoga, 114; dancing (rock), 129; walking (3 mph), 153; weight training, 153.
Better moods
Fewer colds and flu
Staying in shape

Health Benefits just for Women
More regular menstrual cycles
Lighter periods
Better bladder control 
More fertile menstrual cycles
Pain relief  of menstrual cramps
Increased testosterone and estrogen

Health Benefits just for Men
Increased heart rate variability (a sign of heart health and a calmer mind)
Improved heart cardiovascular function (three times a week decreases risk of  heart attack or stroke by half)
Higher testosterone levels (stronger bones and muscles)
Improved prostate function
Improved sleep

Now I don't want you to take this information as a green light to have as much sex as possible with as many people as you can. You have to weigh the health benefits of sex with the possible risks of sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies and other similar issues. Of course you should practice safe sex with a new partner until you know that they are clean, but even a condom isn't a 100% guarantee of safety. Many STDs can bypass a condom.

The full health benefits are with unprotected sex, so it is worth finding that one (or more ;) life partner that you can trust and enjoy having sex with her regularly. In the meantime if you can't find the one then don't let that stop you from enjoying the health benefits of sex with a condom. If you can't achieve that, then masturbation is a perfectly healthy way of increasing the number of orgasms you have, which also has significant health benefits!

So in order of preference you should try to have unprotected sex with a trusted partner, protected sex with one (or more) less trusted partners, or masturbation (I hope you can trust yourself...)

For women (I know this is the Real MAN project, but I know lots of you are reading), quality of sex is more important. So make sure that your partner knows what he is doing. If he doesn't then try to help him out. It helps if you know what works for you (in addition to the health benefits) so make sure you can make yourself orgasm. If your partner isn't open enough to be helped... then maybe you should consider getting yourself an upgrade... Isn't it worth it for your long term health?

Mind Control...

This week I'm going to talk to you about mind control. I'm not talking about some kind of clandestine technique where you get to take control over someone elses mind. For now at least I'm going to tell you how to control your own mind...

I'm sure that most of you have heard of hypnosis. This is a method to put someone into a suggestible state, and to then issue them commands that the subconscious can act on. Well, that's not what I'm going to tell you about...

Some of you will have heard of NLP, or Neuro Linguistic Programming. This is a set of rules to re-program the mind using the way that the brain works. This is also not what I'm going to talk about...

What I'm going to tell you about is a much older technique, one that has been about for thousands of years, and has been taught by some of the wisest people throughout history... I'm talking, of course, about meditation.

Meditation has many uses. Some meditation techniques are very complex, involving long visualisations, chants and activities to focus and re-program the mind. Some meditations use very similar techniques to hypnosis and NLP to re-direct the minds energies along different channels.

All of these things can be useful, but for now I'm going to tell you how to just calm the mind down. I used to have a mind that was out of control, as I'm sure many of you have. It is the normal human condition to have a little voice in our heads telling us things. Often we have no control over this little voice. Sometimes the voice is negative or critical. Sometimes we even think that the little voice is ourselves! Nothing could be further from the truth.

All that the little voice is is our thoughts. Our thoughts are generated by our mind in response to things that have happened in our past. We are not our thoughts... we are much more then that. It is natural for thoughts to arise. What creates problems is when we give too much validity to thoughts, chasing them around inside our head, allowing one to link to another, to link to another. I'm sure most of you have had sleepless nights where it seemed like our thoughts had a life of their own, running round and round inside our heads...

So. How can meditation help with this? In its simplest form all that meditation is is quieting the mind. The idea is to empty the mind. The easiest way to do this is to focus on one thing to the exclusion of anything else... And I don't mean focusing on the TV!

The best way to do this is to be somewhere reasonably quiet, and to make yourself comfortable. Not too comfortable... you don't want to fall asleep... but find a chair that you can sit in comfortably, or somewhere you can lie down. Set yourself an alarm for 10 minutes (to start, later you can go for 15, 20 even 30 minutes). Make sure you won't be disturbed. Turn off your phone. Turn off any distractions... TV, radio, music...

Once you are comfortable just focus your attention on one thing. The easiest thing to focus on is your breathing. This will have the added bonus of relaxing you more. You want to be taking long, deep breaths. For a guide you should aim for five seconds breathing in, three seconds pause then five seconds breathing out, then another 3 seconds pause.

And that is it! Sounds simple doesn't it... The first time you try this you will realise how undisciplined your brain is! The trick is not to get annoyed when your mind inevitably wanders. Just notice that you aren't thinking of your breathing any more and focus your attention to your breathing once more.

You will get better and better over time at noticing that your mind has wandered. The first time you could go for a few minutes without noticing! The trick is to notice sooner and sooner, so eventually as soon as a thought arises you can notice that it has arisen, and get back to your breathing. Once you notice the nature of the mind to create distractions you can take control over it much better.

Your body will also try to get into the act of distracting you. You will probably develop itches in the most unlikely parts of your body! Resist the urge to scratch these itches. All they are is the body calling for attention. I have found that once I notice an itch, if I focus all of my attention on it, then it will go away!

Practice this as much as possible. If you say to yourself "But I don't have time" then just think about that for a second... is it really true that you don't have 10 minutes a day to sit down? How much time would you be willing to sacrifice for peace of mind? Just take a second, and imagine a you, but a you without any negative self talk or un-necessary worry going through your mind...

Now, isn't that worth ten minutes?

The Will to Change

Many people seem to be unsatisfied with their life at the moment. People are always looking to fill the void in their life, whether it be with material possessions, television or drugs...

What is often missing though, and what keeps these people in this situation is an unwillingness to change. They find a level of comfort in life and see uncertainty and fear in becoming more then they are.

Often people say “It's just the way I am...”, or “I just can't do it...”, both self limiting beliefs. It seems that many people don't even believe that any change to themselves is possible!

Well, I'm here to tell you... Not only is change possible... It is inevitable! No-one is the same person that they were two years ago. No-one is even the same person that they were two minutes ago! Life is a cycle of perpetual change, and the only decision that you have to make is how you want to change...

I see it often, people that don't want to change. People desperately clinging to identities that they had years ago, when they thought their life was good. You can sometimes tell these people from their fashion sense, which becomes fixated on the period in their life when thins were going well. Often these people become very bitter in their old age, thinking that they have not changed for years while the world changes around them... but observers can see that of course they have changed as well... the effort of staying the “same” twisting their character...

So accepting that we can (must) change, what can we do about it? First of all we can recognise that what we do now is who we become later. Our actions leave an imprint on our mind. If we do something bad, and it goes well then we become more likely to do it in the future, ultimately making us into worse people. If we do something good then the same thing happens. We become more likely to do similar things in the future...

We can also start making more choices about where in our lives we want to change. Not happy with our career? Maybe educate ourselves to get a new one. Not happy with our relationships? Meet more people and make new ones!

We can also change our characters consciously over time. I have found that often all that is required is the conscious voicing of a desirable change. Once you speak something out like that the brain finds more and more ways to make it happen.

There are two things that will make this very powerful. One is phrasing your desire in positive terms; so not “I want to be less fat”, rather “I want to lose weight”. The second thing is to think this thing powerfully. It is kind of hard to explain this. But this phrase should be the only thing you think about for a few seconds... One way to do this is to repeat the phrase over and over again...

For example, I can be very introverted at times. I was always aware of this, and often wished that I was less introverted. However, this is a negative phrasing, so the desire never really manifested. When I thought about what I really wanted and simply thought “I want to be more sociable” the effect was immediate! The very next day I found myself making more of an effort to speak to other people without even having to think about it! Once I had phrased my desire in a positive light, and made sure that my mind knew that that is what I wanted, my subconscious automatically set to work making it happen!

So you see, once you have the will to change, it can happen almost by itself!

Real Man Self Assessment

This is the first step to improving myself. Without a clear vision of myself I can't hope to correct what needs correcting. While writing this list I have become aware that this project is one that I have really been engaging in for at least the past 15 years already! It has been slow work at times, but I have made an amazing amount of progress already. Hopefully with your help I can really start to accelerate my improvement!

A Real Man is calm, collected and confident:- I feel like this is one of my strengths... probably why I listed it first. My normal demeanour is pretty laid back, almost to a fault, and I'm not easily rattled. Having said that there are some areas that I could improve on in this respect. I am generally comfortable meeting new people, but larger groups of strangers make me nervous, and sometimes I allow this to stop me from meeting new people...

A Real Man is a leader:- I feel like I do ok in this area. It is something that I've been working on for some time now. Once upon a time I wasn't willing to take the lead, to make suggestions, or to put ideas out there. Now I'm much more comfortable doing this. I still have moments of apathy but on the whole if the situation calls for a leader then I am willing to step into that role and make a decision...

A Real Man has high self esteem:- This is another area that I have been improving on for a long time. Years ago I felt that I wasn't likeable. I thought I was ugly and that no-one would ever love me... Thank goodness those days are gone! I now have a healthy level of self respect. I am confident that I can handle most situations that life throws at me!

A Real Man takes action:- I think that this is a real weakness for me. I have a real tendency to let things slide if I can get away with it. My motto used to be “Why put off for tomorrow what I can put off until the day after that?”! My general laziness is something that I am going to have to work on. I am also guilty sometimes of collecting knowledge without acting on it. Paralysis by analysis I thik it is called...

A Real Man is motivated:- Motivation has been one of the missing factors from the equation of my life. I have been generally willing to drift along wherever the current takes me, not really caring too much where I end up. This has changed somewhat recently. First of all the “See the World” mission and now the “Real Man Project” mission are starting to motivate me in my life. Having said this, motivation is something that I'm still going to have to work on...

A Real Man is positive:- This is another area that I have improved immeasurably in the last 10 years. My self talk these days is almost 100 percent positive! I like to look on the bright side of life, and to see the best in things. I think one thing that I could do better in this area is to learn to communicate more positively, in such a way that leaves people feeling better...

A Real Man has integrity:- I feel like this is another of my strengths. I have always been honest to a fault. This doesn't necessarily mean that I always tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (but who does that), but it means that in important matters I don't try to mislead people for my own benefit... only if it is particularly funny. :^p

A Real Man is always learning:- This is really a foundational point. After all, improving yourself means being willing to learn from experiences. This is also another of my strengths. I have always loved learning (sometimes too much, see “A Real Man takes action” above). Sometimes I get fixated on one world view, but I think that I've always been the type to admit that I'm wrong if someone can show me that I am.

A Real Man has strong body language and posture:- Generally I think I do ok on body language, but I can tend to become closed off from time to time. Crossing my arms or legs if I'm uncomfortable. My posture is worlds better then it used to be (just ask my Mum!) but I think my head leans forward sometimes. I also feel like I sometimes walk too fast, perhaps seeming uncomfortable. This is one of those areas where it is pretty difficult to self analyse so any input from people that know me would be much appreciated...

A Real Man speaks clearly and confidently:- I feel like I have a pretty good speaking voice, however there is lots of room for improvement. I know that sometimes I can speak kind of quietly, or mumble. I would also like to increase the range of my voice, with more expressiveness. I think my voice is often far too monotone!

A Real Man is well dressed and well groomed:- I don't feel like I do too badly in this area (in spite of what Jan says!). For my current life situation I dress pretty well, and keep my personal hygiene pretty well. However, one area that I am going to lump in here is my general fitness. I could definitely do to lose some body fat. I am around 187cm tall and weigh around 97kg. This puts me square into the overweight category. I could do to lose about 10kg and keep it off through a combination of eating less and exercising more.

Finally, a Real Man has a good balance in his life between work and leisure:- Right now I'm living the dream regarding work/life balance... I am travelling the world, working when I have to, which is not very much! This will become more of a concern when I settle back down to a non-nomadic lifestyle. This has never been too much of a problem for me though...

Writing this list is an exercise in introspection, and it is always difficult to do this objectively. If you think that I have been too kind or harsh on myself then let me know. Especially if I have been too kind! I need harsh criticism at this point that can give me a solid direction to go in. Without clear knowledge of my faults I can never fix them!

All feedback is useful.

Thanks guys.

What Would You Have done?

Thursday 22nd July, 2010. I sat in my tent. Wide awake at 3am, feelings of guilt and remorse speeding through my head... The only thing I could think was "What would a Real Man have done?"...

But first... rewind a bit to half an hour earlier. I had no idea what was about to happen. In fact all that I knew was that it was the middle of the night and I was bursting for the toilet...

I knew that I'd have to do something about it, I checked my phone... 2.30 am... no way I was going to last through to the morning. Rousing myself to a half somnbulant state I threw a shirt over my head figuring no-one would be about, and my boxers would be fine... I undid the zip of my tent and climbed out, looked around... As expected there was no-one about, the sky was clear but the weather was unusually warm for the time of year. If necessary the half moon would have been sufficient to light my way, but I was in a caravan park and there were lights scattered around the place, pools of colour in the monochrome setting of the night...

I slipped on my sandals and walked quickly to the toilet block. The urgency of my bladder was building now and I reached the urinal and made use of it, feeling the full relief that accompanies the act of pissing. I was just going to finish up and head back to my bed when I heard a strange hoarse breathing sound. It was coming from somewhere near the back entrance of the toilet. At first I didn't think anything of it, and was on my way back to my bed, when the thought popped out of my sleepy head that I should maybe investigate and see where the noise was coming from...

As I wandered round the corner of the block it took me a while to figure out what I was seeing. In a pool of light there was an old guy, half sat up, with blood on the floor around him...

My first reaction was shock... I ducked behind the corner of the building again! It seems a strange reaction to me now... Wouldn't the first instinct of anyone in that situation be to rush forwards and help the old guy?

Maybe part of the reason was my old first aid training courses... they always gave the advice that the first decision on finding someone in that situation would be whether to walk away or not... The reasoning being that if you tried to help someone and they died, or recieved injuries as a result, then you were opening yourself up to being sued by that person or their relatives... A sad inditement of our society when a good samaritan can be sued for not being good enough!

Enough with the excuses though... I was only in this state of shock for a couple of seconds before rounding the corner again and walking up to this fella. He was clearly alive... it was his heavy breathing that alerted me to his state, but the closer I got I could tell that he was in a pretty bad way. He had half clotted blood dripping down the side of his face and over his arms and hands, and he stunk pretty badly of booze of some kind, as well as a general smell of body odor and decay... I called out to him "Are you OK?"... A pretty silly question on reflection, and fittingly he kinda laughed and said "Oh, yea" in an almost sarcastic tone.

I crouched down next to him, the smell of booze almost overpowering at this point and tried to find out what state he was in, asking him a few questions which he answered reasonably well enough, if with a bit of a slur to his speech. I decided to help him to his feet, reaching under his arm-pits, asking if he was ready, and hauling him up into standing position. I asked him a few more questions; Where was he staying? How was he feeling? Did he want to get cleaned up a bit? He told me he was going in a particular direction for a few drinks and he didn't need to get cleaned up at all... I wasn't sure about the drinks, but decided to help him to get where he was going, figuring that he was going back to his caravan. He led me off with me lending him my support when he occasionally staggered.

We soon arrived at a caravan that was about 15 meters away. He started trying to open the door of it, and I realised that he was having some difficulty, but a light had come on inside the caravan, which I hoped was someone that he was staying with that could help him out. I asked him at this point "So, is this your caravan" to which he replied that he was just coming here to have a few drinks with a friend... More drinks were the last thing that this guy needed at this point, and it seemed highly unlikely that the occupants of the caravan wanted to have any drinks either, which was confirmed when a guy opened the door and told the old man to "bugger off you old bastard!"...

He then closed the door on us again... So here I am, dressed in a shirt and my boxers, with an old guy who was clearly pissed and injured... I really had no idea what to do at this point... I tried asking the guy again "Where is YOUR van?" to which he replied that he was fine, that he was just going to have a few drinks, and that I was a fine young lad for helping him out and thank you very much... At this point he was shaking my hand and It is at this point that I let my uncertainty and indecisiveness get the better of me...

I just agreed with him, "No problem" I said. "I'll just be getting to bed then" I said. And I walked back in the direction of my tent. I stopped off at the toilet to wash the blood off my hands and arm where he had grabbed hold of me and made my way back to my tent and got inside...

Now this is where this little story started, but it isn't the end... My head was reeling at this point. Should I have done more to help this guy? He was clearly in no state to look after himself, but on the other hand if he wouldn't tell me where he was staying then what could I do for him? Should I have phoned the police? An ambulance? The caravan park owner? I hoped that the guy would make his own way back to his place, but a part of me knew that this seemed unlikely. Should I have put on my shorts and gone back out to find him? Made sure he got back? Or failing that called the emergency services?

To my great shame I have to admit that I did nothing at that point... Even asking myself "What would a Real Man do?" didn't help as my brain refused to process the question... Eventually I just took off my shirt and lay down under my duvet and hid... Some Real Man!

As I was trying in vain to get to sleep I heard footsteps coming past my tent to the caravan park office that is only a few meters from my camp spot. I heard the phone ringing, that I knew was connected to a handset that the caravan park owner had with her at all times. As the footsteps headed past my tent again I heard a woman on them explaining "... he was totally pissed, just crashed into our van..."

I guessed from this that the guy had managed to make it to someone elses caravan and either made some noise outside, or opened it and wandered in and the owners had taken more action then me and decided to call the caravan park owner. There was various activity after this. Cars driving around, stopping and starting. At one point I heard the caravan park owners voice shouting "No Pat! Just sit down! Sit down!"...

Then another car arrived, and all of the cars drove off and there was silence...

The whole time this was happening I was feeling guilty that I had caused these other people to be disturbed in the middle of the night... ut my overwhelming sense was one of relief. First that the guy was ok. That someone else was dealing with him. And secondly that it was no longer my problem...

The reason that I tell you all this is to show that for all my fine qualities I still have a lot of growth to go in some areas. I was going to give you a breakdown this week of my strengths and weaknesses, take every aspect of being a Real Man given in th last post and given you how I fit into it... But I figured that this story gives you a much better idea of some of my weaknesses (and maybe strengths) then any breakdown that I could give you... (Breakdown t come next week ;^)

For some reason the resolution didn't help me to get to sleep that night. I slept fitfully at best. The question going round and round in my head... What would a Real Man have done...

Well? What would YOU have done?

The Real Man Project - Genesis...

I've been hearing a lot about “Real Men” recently.

“I want a Real Man” and “Where have all the Real Men gone?” are phrases that most women seem to have said at some point. Women seem to know exactly what this means, even though they often have trouble articulating clearly exactly what the image is that is evoked in them by these two words...

Most men on the other hand don't have any clear idea what women mean when they say these things! The words “Real Man” mean as much to most men as the offside rule in soccer means to most women!

I have put a bit of thought into figuring out what women are getting at when they say these words, and here is my list of what a “Real Man” is...

What makes a Real Man is split up into two sections. The inside stuff and the outside stuff. First the inside...

A Real Man is calm, collected and confident. He is comfortable in his own skin, whether he is spending time alone, hanging with his friends, or meeting new people. In fact there isn't a situation that you can put him in that will make him uncomfortable. This isn't to say that he doesn't get nervous or scared, but he doesn't let the fear effect him, and acts in the face of it.

A Real Man is a leader. He is decisive. When it is time to make a decision, or take charge, he is willing to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done. He doesn't worry about making the wrong choice, or agonise for hours over which of two choices he prefers, when the time comes, he makes a choice and sticks with it. And if it turns out to have been the wrong choice he holds up his hands, takes responsibility and sets about making things right.

A Real Man has high self esteem. He respects himself and others. He is confident without being arrogant, and rightly so, because he knows that whatever situation is thrown at him he will handle it as best as he can, and even if he doesn't handle it perfectly he knows that he will have learned a lesson and the next time he handles the same situation he will handle it even better.

A Real Man takes action. If he sees something that needs doing he does it. If someone needs help and he has time and energy to give he will help them. He knows that the only true path to learning is through doing and doesn't sit around gathering knowledge and trying to be perfect before he tries to do anything.

A Real Man is motivated. He has a mission in life. He knows what he wants, where he is going and what to do to achieve these goals. He sets up smaller goals along the way, and congratulates himself every time he achieves one of these smaller goals on the way to the greater goal.

A Real Man is positive. He knows that people create their own reality and so he makes his reality a positive one to live in. He doesn't bring himself down with negative self talk. He may sometimes have days, when life throws him a curve ball, when he isn't on top of the world but when this happens he doesn't wallow in his self pity and he doesn't cling to his grief. He allows himself to feel it, allows it to wash through him, and then allows himself to get on with his life.

A Real Man has integrity. He is true to himself and he doesn't lie to others for his own benefit. He realises that telling the truth is the easiest option in all circumstances and he doesn't mind facing the consequences of doing this.

A Real Man is always learning. He recognises that life is a lesson for us, that all experiences, good and bad, are learning lessons. He knows that he is always changing, and strives to make the change a positive one all the time.

On the outside...

A Real Man has strong body language and posture. He carries himself all the time as if he has just won a gold medal in the Olympics and his national anthem is playing. He has a steady gaze, and is confidently expressive.

A Real Man speaks clearly and confidently. His voice carries as far as is needed without him having to shout. It is clear from his voice that he is in control. His voice comes from deep in his body and is rich and expressive.

A Real Man is well dressed and well groomed. He recognises that his personal appearance is the first impression that he gives to the world, and knows that this is very important. This doesn't mean that he is necessarily the height of fashion, but he pays attention to his clothes and takes care of them. Similarly he takes care of himself. His personal hygiene is impeccable and he makes sure that his nails are tidy and his hair is well styled.

Finally, a Real Man has a good balance in his life between work and leisure. He fills his life with activities and would never be content to live a life of routine. He may watch TV from time to time, but he chooses what he watches, and when the thing that he wants to watch is over, he will turn off the TV and do something else...

These are just a few of my thoughts of what constitutes a real man. I'd be very interested in your feedback. What have I missed? What have I gotten right or wrong? If you know me, how could I live up to this ideal better?

My mission in life is to move closer and closer to the ideal above, and maybe even to help others to get to this place, all with the intention of making the world a better place.