Stuck in a rut...

Perspective is a funny thing. Or to be more precise, seeing things from a different perspective can be a funny thing. For example, I've been traveling for almost 3 years now, and one of the things that I've been able to notice from the different perspective of being further away from my friends and family is that most people are stuck in their mental world, for better or for worse...

I'll tell you what I mean. The people that were in long term relationships three years ago, they are still in long term relationships. Some with the same person, some with a different person... The people that were dating a bunch of different people three years ago, they are still dating a bunch of people... generally different people... The people that three years ago were relentlessly single without even dating... well, guess what... they are still doing that!

This runs counter to what sit-coms, movies and dramas tell us... the Hollywood myth that people go through stages in their life... They start off single, move into dating a bunch of people, and then find one person and fall into a long term relationship... then they break up and the cycle continues... This is clearly a myth!

So where does that leave us? Some people obviously do graduate from being single, to being in a relationship, sometimes dating a bunch first, and sometimes skipping the dating part completely...

What this tells me is that which of these settings we are on is entirely dependent on our behavior and thinking... Not on what we want to happen. Most relentlessly single people that I know really want to be in a relationship (there are some exceptions, often girls that have suffered a particularly bad break-up). We have all known people that are serial monogamists, as soon as they finish one relationship they immediately fall into the next one, seemingly whether they want to or not. We have also all known people that have stuck with a bad relationship... seemingly unable to cope with the idea of being without it... Many people that are "dating around", would love to find the one, but somehow the right one is never the one in front of them...

So intentions don't determine our relationships. It is mostly down to behavior and thinking... That is the good news! These things can be changed if we just gain awareness of them and have the will to change them. To help you to gain awareness of some of the things that may be holding you back I am going to list some of the common behaviors/thought that keep om holding us back...

Serial Monogamists/Unhappy Monogamists

Now most people in a monogamous relationship are happy. This is after all the ideal towards which most of us strive... However there is a sizable minority that are suffering in monogamous relationships. These are some of those peoples errors...
    They get into a relatioship without realising it. So they go from not knowing someone, to seeing them all the time, within a couple of weeks or days. Before they realise what has happened they are in another relationship!
    They think they should take whatever they should get. This applies whether it is someone that stays with the same person that clearly isn't right for them, or if it is one of those people that jumps from relationship to relationship. It is often down to low self esteem, and not realising tht they should have a choice..,
    They have a fear of being alone. At a deep level they don't feel complete without someone there to be with them.
    They fear the discomfort of being single. So they stay in their comfortable rut... no matter how unhappy it is making them feel...

Addicted to Dating

The dating addicts fall into two groups. The ones that are happy dating, and those that desperately want to be in a relationship. The happy daters are normally either men that are getting lots of sex, or women that are getting lts of free meals... The unhappy ones are normally women that are getting lots of sex*, and guys that are paying for lots of expensive meals! Here are the mistakes of the serial daters...
    They have unrealistic standards. Note I did't say they are too picky... This goes beyond that. They actually have standards that cannot be reasonably met. Ie many girls expect a guy to smoothly lead them through a seduction, while at the same time wanting a guy that hasn't been with many women,,,
    They don't take action to move the relationship further. Whether this is taking things physical, or arranging for another date. Normally this would be considered the guys fault (A Real Man always takes action!), but it is perfectly acceptable for women to help things along from time to time...
    They expect things to "just happen", without realising that if something seems to just happen, it mostly means that someone did a lot of things to make it just happen... This applies to both guys that are buying lots of meals (they need to make things happen more) and girls that are having lots of sex (they need to realise that if things are "just happening" it means that the guy has done this before... lots!).
   
Terminally Single

I know the pitfalls of the terminally single person all too well... I was one for a long time! Luckily I modified my behaviour and thought to stop those old patterns. And trust me... If I can do it, anyone can!
    They don't do what they can to make themselves attractive. We all like to think that someone will like us just for who we are, but lets face it... We ALL judge people on appearance! If you say you don't... you are lying to yourself! You don't have to look perfect (that is boring anyway), but making an effort to groom ourselves, shower, shave (girls and boys...), and smell nice go a long way!
    They thing that the world will provide a partner for them on a plate. This belief comes from watching too many rubbish hollywood movies. The guy and the girl get together and fall in love just through chance. Believe me, the chances of the world throwing you someone with supermodel looks is MUCH less likely then it appears to be in the movies.
    They judge situations before they even start. Or they judge other people. Either way, they stall themselves in the blocks. How can anything happen that way?
    They don't take action! This is the points above from a different viewpoint. You have to take action or nothing will ever happen!
    They don't follow their passions. Whatever your passions are, if you follow them you will meet similar people with the same passions, so do it! One thing is certain... You aren't going to meet the partner of your dreams sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer...

I hope these lists have been useful. I hope to see some change among my friends before I get back... If you have any additional thoughts or behaviours to add to my lists then please let me know by comment...

* Not that girls don't like to have lots of sex (they absolutely do), but they tend to be unsatisfied if that is all that they are getting.

The Will to Change

Many people seem to be unsatisfied with their life at the moment. People are always looking to fill the void in their life, whether it be with material possessions, television or drugs...

What is often missing though, and what keeps these people in this situation is an unwillingness to change. They find a level of comfort in life and see uncertainty and fear in becoming more then they are.

Often people say “It's just the way I am...”, or “I just can't do it...”, both self limiting beliefs. It seems that many people don't even believe that any change to themselves is possible!

Well, I'm here to tell you... Not only is change possible... It is inevitable! No-one is the same person that they were two years ago. No-one is even the same person that they were two minutes ago! Life is a cycle of perpetual change, and the only decision that you have to make is how you want to change...

I see it often, people that don't want to change. People desperately clinging to identities that they had years ago, when they thought their life was good. You can sometimes tell these people from their fashion sense, which becomes fixated on the period in their life when thins were going well. Often these people become very bitter in their old age, thinking that they have not changed for years while the world changes around them... but observers can see that of course they have changed as well... the effort of staying the “same” twisting their character...

So accepting that we can (must) change, what can we do about it? First of all we can recognise that what we do now is who we become later. Our actions leave an imprint on our mind. If we do something bad, and it goes well then we become more likely to do it in the future, ultimately making us into worse people. If we do something good then the same thing happens. We become more likely to do similar things in the future...

We can also start making more choices about where in our lives we want to change. Not happy with our career? Maybe educate ourselves to get a new one. Not happy with our relationships? Meet more people and make new ones!

We can also change our characters consciously over time. I have found that often all that is required is the conscious voicing of a desirable change. Once you speak something out like that the brain finds more and more ways to make it happen.

There are two things that will make this very powerful. One is phrasing your desire in positive terms; so not “I want to be less fat”, rather “I want to lose weight”. The second thing is to think this thing powerfully. It is kind of hard to explain this. But this phrase should be the only thing you think about for a few seconds... One way to do this is to repeat the phrase over and over again...

For example, I can be very introverted at times. I was always aware of this, and often wished that I was less introverted. However, this is a negative phrasing, so the desire never really manifested. When I thought about what I really wanted and simply thought “I want to be more sociable” the effect was immediate! The very next day I found myself making more of an effort to speak to other people without even having to think about it! Once I had phrased my desire in a positive light, and made sure that my mind knew that that is what I wanted, my subconscious automatically set to work making it happen!

So you see, once you have the will to change, it can happen almost by itself!