I'll tell you what I mean. The people that were in long term relationships three years ago, they are still in long term relationships. Some with the same person, some with a different person... The people that were dating a bunch of different people three years ago, they are still dating a bunch of people... generally different people... The people that three years ago were relentlessly single without even dating... well, guess what... they are still doing that!
This runs counter to what sit-coms, movies and dramas tell us... the Hollywood myth that people go through stages in their life... They start off single, move into dating a bunch of people, and then find one person and fall into a long term relationship... then they break up and the cycle continues... This is clearly a myth!
So where does that leave us? Some people obviously do graduate from being single, to being in a relationship, sometimes dating a bunch first, and sometimes skipping the dating part completely...
What this tells me is that which of these settings we are on is entirely dependent on our behavior and thinking... Not on what we want to happen. Most relentlessly single people that I know really want to be in a relationship (there are some exceptions, often girls that have suffered a particularly bad break-up). We have all known people that are serial monogamists, as soon as they finish one relationship they immediately fall into the next one, seemingly whether they want to or not. We have also all known people that have stuck with a bad relationship... seemingly unable to cope with the idea of being without it... Many people that are "dating around", would love to find the one, but somehow the right one is never the one in front of them...
So intentions don't determine our relationships. It is mostly down to behavior and thinking... That is the good news! These things can be changed if we just gain awareness of them and have the will to change them. To help you to gain awareness of some of the things that may be holding you back I am going to list some of the common behaviors/thought that keep om holding us back...
Serial Monogamists/Unhappy Monogamists
Now most people in a monogamous relationship are happy. This is after all the ideal towards which most of us strive... However there is a sizable minority that are suffering in monogamous relationships. These are some of those peoples errors...
They get into a relatioship without realising it. So they go from not knowing someone, to seeing them all the time, within a couple of weeks or days. Before they realise what has happened they are in another relationship!
They think they should take whatever they should get. This applies whether it is someone that stays with the same person that clearly isn't right for them, or if it is one of those people that jumps from relationship to relationship. It is often down to low self esteem, and not realising tht they should have a choice..,
They have a fear of being alone. At a deep level they don't feel complete without someone there to be with them.
They fear the discomfort of being single. So they stay in their comfortable rut... no matter how unhappy it is making them feel...
Addicted to Dating
The dating addicts fall into two groups. The ones that are happy dating, and those that desperately want to be in a relationship. The happy daters are normally either men that are getting lots of sex, or women that are getting lts of free meals... The unhappy ones are normally women that are getting lots of sex*, and guys that are paying for lots of expensive meals! Here are the mistakes of the serial daters...
They have unrealistic standards. Note I did't say they are too picky... This goes beyond that. They actually have standards that cannot be reasonably met. Ie many girls expect a guy to smoothly lead them through a seduction, while at the same time wanting a guy that hasn't been with many women,,,
They don't take action to move the relationship further. Whether this is taking things physical, or arranging for another date. Normally this would be considered the guys fault (A Real Man always takes action!), but it is perfectly acceptable for women to help things along from time to time...
They expect things to "just happen", without realising that if something seems to just happen, it mostly means that someone did a lot of things to make it just happen... This applies to both guys that are buying lots of meals (they need to make things happen more) and girls that are having lots of sex (they need to realise that if things are "just happening" it means that the guy has done this before... lots!).
Terminally Single
I know the pitfalls of the terminally single person all too well... I was one for a long time! Luckily I modified my behaviour and thought to stop those old patterns. And trust me... If I can do it, anyone can!
They don't do what they can to make themselves attractive. We all like to think that someone will like us just for who we are, but lets face it... We ALL judge people on appearance! If you say you don't... you are lying to yourself! You don't have to look perfect (that is boring anyway), but making an effort to groom ourselves, shower, shave (girls and boys...), and smell nice go a long way!
They thing that the world will provide a partner for them on a plate. This belief comes from watching too many rubbish hollywood movies. The guy and the girl get together and fall in love just through chance. Believe me, the chances of the world throwing you someone with supermodel looks is MUCH less likely then it appears to be in the movies.
They judge situations before they even start. Or they judge other people. Either way, they stall themselves in the blocks. How can anything happen that way?
They don't take action! This is the points above from a different viewpoint. You have to take action or nothing will ever happen!
They don't follow their passions. Whatever your passions are, if you follow them you will meet similar people with the same passions, so do it! One thing is certain... You aren't going to meet the partner of your dreams sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer...
I hope these lists have been useful. I hope to see some change among my friends before I get back... If you have any additional thoughts or behaviours to add to my lists then please let me know by comment...
* Not that girls don't like to have lots of sex (they absolutely do), but they tend to be unsatisfied if that is all that they are getting.
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