The courtship dance...

A wise man once said "There are two things you need to know in life, where you're going, and who you're going with."

I'll leave the first part of that for another time, and just concentrate on the second part now. I think it is a very important part of any mans life to find someone to share it with. It is said that behind every great man there is a great woman... and real men are no exception to this.

So, how to find this great woman?

The answer is courtship! There are many pre-requisites to a successful courtship of course. These include sorting out your image (hair, clothes, shoes, nails, etc.), having a life that allows you to meet lots of women, and knowing what kind of woman that you want... For now though I'm going to assume you've got all of this sorted, but you're still not quite sure how the courtship game works...

I think many women have no idea that many guys don't know instinctively how to progress smoothly from meeting, to building attraction, to becoming physical through to founding a relationship. Women after all are the pursued most of the time. And there are always plenty of guys that did figure this out to distract the women from the guys that didn't.

In case you're wondering, I was one of the guys that didn't get it for at least the first twenty five years of my life!

Enough about me! On to how to meet women!

First of all, do I need to say it? You need to be in places where you can meet the opposite sex! This means not sat inside your house playing playstation and watching tv all day! Almost anywhere else offers opportunities for meeting the opposite sex.

An interesting fellow called Dr Timothy Perper got his Phd by spending hours and hours in singles bars and observing how the successful couples met, tough job huh? He found that when both partners stuck to a precise sequence of moves, the couple wound up leaving together or making a date. However, if either partner broke the sequence... even accidentally... the couple drifted apart. Powerful stuff!

The steps to the dance of intimacy are as follows

Step One: Non-verbal Signal.
Step Two: Talk.
Step Three: Turning.
Step Four: Touching.
Step Five: Synchronisation.

First of all the non-verbal signal. It is very scary to approach a woman for the first time (something else many women have difficulty believing). However there are some things you can do to make it easier. First of all, you should learn to recognise non-verbal solicitation signals. This is a fancy way of saying invitations to approach.

A researcher called Monica Moore set up a study where she observed more then 200 women at a party and found that two thirds of successful approaches were preceded by the following signals of interest by the women

Smile at him broadly                                                    511
Throw him a short, darting glance                              253
Dance alone to the music                                             253
Look straight at him and flip your hair                       139
Keep a fixed gaze on him                                             117
Look at him, toss your head, then look back              102
"Accidentally" brush up against him                             96
Nod your head at him                                                    66
Point to a chair and invite him to sit                             62
Tilt your head and touch your exposed neck                58
Lick your lips during eye contact                                  48
Primp while keeping eye contact with him                    46
Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement   41
Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement   41
Ask for his help with something                                     34
Tap something to get his attention                                   8
Pat his buttocks                                                                8

So make sure to look out for these signs and if you receive one to go and talk to the woman (if she pats your buttocks and you DON'T talk to her then there may be no help for you!)! If you don't this can be perceived as a rejection by the girl... and you wouldn't want to make a girl feel bad now would you? ;)

On to step two: Talk! Once you are in a conversation there are a couple of things to remember. The first is in terms of the things you say. I'm going to give you the same piece of advice that people get all the time, but maybe I can explain it a bit better... Just be yourself! Be the self that you are around your friends. Be relaxed, be playful, be fun. Remember, there is nothing at stake here. You can't lose anything. You're just out to have a good time and enjoy yourself. The enemy of attraction is approval seeking. This is very subtle but here is a way to spot it. If you make a joke, DON'T look at her to see how she reacts. In fact if you do anything don't look at her to see how she reacts... You should just be doing your thing, for yourself.
The second thing to remember is in terms of communication. You may say "But wasn't the first thing about communication?". It was... but only a small part of it. Only 7% of the information you pass on is communicated through the words! the remaining 93% is communicated through body language and voice tone. I touched on it above in the bit about attention seeking. It isn't what you're saying, it is what you are doing! So remember, upright posture, relaxed, playful...

Step three is the one that needs the most explaining I think. It happens unconsciously for many people I think, but for those it doesn't happen automatically with it is very difficult to get without someone telling you! When you first join this girl you are doing it as a stranger, so you don't want to face her too directly or get all up in her personal space. When you approach and start a conversation you shouldn't do it facing a girl directly. It feels too intrusive this way. The best way to do it is side on, and just turn your head towards them. Imagine yourself at a bar, with just your head turned towards them. Now when you speak she should turn her head to face you as well. If she doesn't it doesn't necessarily mean that you should give up (she may be nervous for example), but if she doesn't her head to face you after a few bits of conversation then you should probably just move on to the next one.  If she does turn toward you, then you should fall into conversation. During the conversation a crucial pivoting takes place. You should gradually switch from just your heads turned toward each other to your shoulders. If you like each other, your torsos will turn, followed by your knees. Finally, in successful meetings, your whole body should wind up facing each other. This head-to-head, belly-to-belly, knees-to-knees gradual sequence can take from minutes to hours. With each increasing turn, intimacy increases. With each turn away, intimacy decreases.

Step Four is touching. You should be comfortable with general touch. It is a normal and healthy part of interacting with people. I have talked to girls that a guy talking to them for 2 hours at a bar, and she never realised he was interested in her just because he never touched her! I'm not talking about grabbing her all over. Touches should be very subtle. Starting with a brief tap on the arm or maybe the leg if you are sat next to each other. If you are unsure how to touch her then try following her lead. If she likes you she will touch you naturally... Whenever she does this just wait a couple of minutes and then touch her back, in the same way that she touched you. This then forms a dialogue of touch, another level of conversation that communicates much more then words could... If you want more information on this I suggest you do a search for the Vin DiCarlo escalation ladder. This will give you a good idea of a progression of touch from innocent to intimate...

The final stage is synchronisation. If you get here then you're on the home straight. This is where you begin to move in synchronicity with each other. For example, you may reach for their drinks at the same time and put your glasses back on the table together. Then you could progress to subconsciously shifting weight together, swaying to the music together, turning your heads to some outside interruption together, and then simultaneously looking back at each other. Obviously you can start this process earlier on and start building the bond of being synchronous, but make sure you aren't too obvious... This could come off a bit odd if done incorrectly...

That's all I'm going to share for now. If you can get this far then you're doing pretty good. You just have to get contact info and make sure you see each other again... Enjoy...

Healthy Personal Boundaries

A lot of the qualities on the list of being a Real Man have to do with having good relationships with people, and a good relationship with yourself. For most guys that are struggling in this area, I see their problems as falling in two distinct categories.

First of all we have the nice guy doormat. He constantly tries to help people out, doing things to try to get them to like him. When this doesn't work he normally becomes angry, but because he can't show this anger it simmers beneath the surface. This self directed anger becomes very bad for his health and his life in general.

The second type of guy is the jerk abuser. He has to have his own way at all times and uses and abuses people in order to get it. If people don't do as he wants he is liable to lash out, either violently or emotionally. This guy doesn't cause ill health for himself so much as he causes it in other people...

Even though these two types of people seem very different, they both have very similar underlying problems... that is that neither of them has healthy personal boundaries...

According to Nina Brown,[Coping With Infuriating, Mean, Critical People - The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern, 2006] there are four types of personal boundary:

    * Soft - A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily manipulated.

    * Spongy - A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure what to let in and what to keep out.

    * Rigid - A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to them either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been physically, emotionally or psychologically abused. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.

    * Flexible - This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, are resistant to emotional contagion, manipulation and are difficult to exploit.

So the first type of guy has the soft type of personal boundary, and the second type of guy has the rigid type... I guess the next question is what can they do to help themselves?

First of all a little bit about what boundaries are. Psychologically boundaries are basically where a person thinks their self ends. It sounds simple, but it has deeper consequences. For a start, we can only have control over ourselves. So some people with soft or rigid boundaries are confused over the things that they can influence, or that can influence them. People with soft boundaries are liable to be unduly affected by external factors, like a scary or upsetting movie, other peoples emotions, or someone trying to tell them what to do. People with very rigid boundaries don't tend to recognise that other people have rights to make a choice, and so try to impose their will on other people... effectively treating other people as part of themselves...

So what to do to set healthy personal boundaries? The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.  A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves.  That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

If you are coming from a place of soft personal boundaries you have to first of all set some rules for yourself. Most of the time soft personal boundaries come from a place of low self esteem, so you must learn to esteem yourself. The easiest step is to go from soft personal boundaries to rigid personal boundaries. This will give your self esteem space to grow. Once you have set this up you can work on making your boundaries more flexible, making decisions on an ongoing basis of what is acceptable to you. The way to set up stronger personal boundaries from this place has 4 steps.

1.) Decide what behaviours are unacceptable from yourself or another person. Take the time to sit with a pad of paper and a pen and brainstorm what you think acceptable behaviour is. (Hint:- Trying to control peoples actions or thoughts against their will is normally unacceptable)
2.) Decide what actions you are willing to take if people violate your boundaries. Remember that you can't control other peoples actions, so they may continue to violate your boundaries even if you ask them to stop. The only thing you can control is your actions, so you have to take action to stop people violating your boundary. You basically have to give incentive for people to not violate you. This means that any punitive action should affect the other person more then it affects you... It is always an option to just walk away...
3.) If someone starts to violate your rules you have to ask them to stop. Tell them why you want them to stop, and how their actions make you feel. Don't let it ride until the anger builds up inside you and you explode with accusations. The sooner that you spot unacceptable behaviour and request for it to stop the easier it will be. You can let the person know what action you will take if they fail to accommodate your boundaries, though sometimes this isn't appropriate.

The fourth step is what will make the difference between having rigid and flexible boundaries. Anyone who has rigid boundaries must just do this step, and they will start being much healthier in their interactions.

4.) Let go of the outcome. This step is the difference between a healthy boundary ans a rigid one. If you are tied to getting your way then you will do whatever it takes to get it. This isn't having healthy boundaries, it is just being manipulative. If you ask someone to stop their behaviour, and they just won't, then you have to remember your ultimate recourse and just walk away.

This last point is very important. If we don't give ourselves the freedom to walk away even in the spite of abuse, then what we are doing is enabling abuse and making victims of ourselves!